I’m sorry about what I did when I thought I was dying! (Happy 3 years cancer free)

Good news, everyone! I still don’t have cancer.

Depression almost never lifts all at once. I carried around a $600 CD of images of my messed up guts for 5 days, knowing that even though I couldn’t fully interpret them they spelled out my imminent death. Then my oncologist who I would literally go into battle for floats into the room in sparkling white coat with halo around his beatific face like some renaissance painting and makes the sign of the cross and anoints my forehead with oil and says “You are cancer free my child, go with god and I’ll see you in six months.” WELL THAT IS DEPRESSION LIFTING ALL AT ONCE.

Do you know how much I want to live? SO much. And I am sorry about all the sullen things I said and did over the course of the last 4-ish weeks. I wasn’t even a little aware that I was preparing myself for terrible news.

Family members: I’m sorry I totally turned my back on you. I withdrew from you, I didn’t answer your call, your text. Child, I am so so sorry I tried to squeeze about a decade of yelling at you (parenting) into 3 weeks. That was unfair. You are a gracious and forgiving small human and I don’t know what I ever did right to have gotten you.

Friends: Man, I’m sorry about picking fights. Sending bizarre missives in the middle of the night like, “my drugs are broken” and “how much money do you think is necessary to go die in a bus in Saskatchewan?” and “how do I start an LLC?” All I can say is being somehow even darker and colder than the person you befriended was my way of losing you before I had to eternally lose you. I’m real sorry. I like you so much and I want to see you more.

Body: I haven’t taken you to the pool or to yoga for a month because, let’s be honest, I was really mad at you. I didn’t feed you much either. Everybody talks about cancer like it’s a thing that comes in from the outside. But we know that it’s your cells. It’s this nuked out shell of an immune system to blame. Forgive me, somehow you persist and divide despite the daily prednisone nuking! You clump of little ATP-run miracles! You deserve much better. We’ll go swimming then sit in the municipal sauna with the old naked ladies and I’ll make pizza crust from scratch next time.

Hygiene and cleanliness: Let’s just be thankful for scrub service. Also, I know what that person in the Guinness Book of World Records with those fingernails that go curling on to the ground felt like in the first month of that endeavor. I get how that happens now. My days as a carbon-based life form are numbered. The human race won’t even be around long enough warrant mention in geological time. Why should I care about my nails? Well I cut and polished all 20 within an hour of getting home from the doctor. I did all the laundry. Because I am not going to die.

Thank god. Thank god. Thank you god. I’ll keep all those promises I made for at least the next 4 months.

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